Everything's so screwed these few days. Parents are grounding me like crazy, i can't do anything I WANT. Things don't go smoothly. It's as if it's Saturn-square-Jupiter (you don't have to know what this means, it just sucks) now. I don't get to hang out with friends, not even going to primary school's class outing (BBQ). I'm being caged at home. But why? Mom is afraid that people will harm me? WTH is that? I'm 13 already (although i know that this is still kinda young, i have my own freedom!), i hope she can let me do what i want. Now i feel so... guilty for not accepting my friends' invitation. They are going to have fun, but definitely NOT me. Even Li Xin's going. I hate this holiday. As for his invitation, i rejected because i don't want to face him. There's no way i'm going to bring myself to be in his area, seeing him. But now it seems like he's not feeling good with the number of people accepting his invitation. I think there's only very few who are going. I hope i can help him recruit more people. But there's nothing i can do. I can't even settle my own problem, how can i help him? And i don't even think he needs my help. It's just ridiculous to think he needs it. However, i somehow felt guilty. I'd rejected his past offers and this is the 3rd time. Now it actually struck me that he'd taken initiative, not that he hadn't. Even if it's just for making friends, he had taken one step forward. But i realized that i'm the opposite. I'm taking a step backwards. OMG, i'm going insane! With days being at home and with days fighting to block the thoughts of him from flowing through my mind. I don't understand everything. I'd ignored his messages, i never reply to his, i avoided him, i've controlled myself and i've tried. But why is it that i just can't get over him? After i'd tried, i still wants to help him with anything, i don't want him to feel unhappy or sad. And i don't understand why am i doing all of these. If you'd asked me how was i, i would say, "I'm okay." or "I'm fine." or maybe... "Life is as usual for me." This is definitely not the truth! How i wish i can have someone to vent everything on, someone to talk to. I'm tired...