Mine.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Not what i want.

Everything's so screwed these few days. Parents are grounding me like crazy, i can't do anything I WANT. Things don't go smoothly. It's as if it's Saturn-square-Jupiter (you don't have to know what this means, it just sucks) now. I don't get to hang out with friends, not even going to primary school's class outing (BBQ). I'm being caged at home. But why? Mom is afraid that people will harm me? WTH is that? I'm 13 already (although i know that this is still kinda young, i have my own freedom!), i hope she can let me do what i want. Now i feel so... guilty for not accepting my friends' invitation. They are going to have fun, but definitely NOT me. Even Li Xin's going. I hate this holiday. As for his invitation, i rejected because i don't want to face him. There's no way i'm going to bring myself to be in his area, seeing him. But now it seems like he's not feeling good with the number of people accepting his invitation. I think there's only very few who are going. I hope i can help him recruit more people. But there's nothing i can do. I can't even settle my own problem, how can i help him? And i don't even think he needs my help. It's just ridiculous to think he needs it. However, i somehow felt guilty. I'd rejected his past offers and this is the 3rd time. Now it actually struck me that he'd taken initiative, not that he hadn't. Even if it's just for making friends, he had taken one step forward. But i realized that i'm the opposite. I'm taking a step backwards. OMG, i'm going insane! With days being at home and with days fighting to block the thoughts of him from flowing through my mind. I don't understand everything. I'd ignored his messages, i never reply to his, i avoided him, i've controlled myself and i've tried. But why is it that i just can't get over him? After i'd tried, i still wants to help him with anything, i don't want him to feel unhappy or sad. And i don't understand why am i doing all of these. If you'd asked me how was i, i would say, "I'm okay." or "I'm fine." or maybe... "Life is as usual for me." This is definitely not the truth! How i wish i can have someone to vent everything on, someone to talk to. I'm tired...

What is the secret to life?

Monday, November 08, 2010

His gaze.

Wow. Holiday. Such a long holiday which i don't really see my friends. I miss school. I miss friends. Teachers. WORKS. Haha, guess you may think that i'm crazy to miss works. LOL. But seriously, i miss everything about school. Now i'm kinda grounded? I don't think i can go out with friends again. :( Mom and dad speak weird things about me, hanging out with friends. I can only go out with friends to the library. -.- OMG, holiday is definitely boring. But i manage to find stuffs to do. Reading, guzheng practise in school, piano, homework, library, fb, blog..........
But still, i find this holiday very meaningless. Oh yeah... these few mondays and tuesdays went for guzheng practise. It's enough to occupy my whole morning. And... i saw him today. Surprisingly. But the more i see him, the more i will want to do so in future. And if i don't see him, the more i'll miss him. This isn't right, is it? I know i have to somehow fight the urge. I think he saw me, but i avoided his gaze. I just can't look straight at him. I only thought that maybe i can just "peep" at him somewhere in school if i see him, but i didn't expect him to be standing near the entrance. Haiz... if that's the case, how can i be able to get over with him? Now... Ng Ghim Hwee. He's weird. He stared at me today. We're not really counted as friend. Come to think of it, he stared at me for not only once, not only today, but every time he sees me. I'm getting more and more suspicious of him. Perhaps he knows something? That is related to the secret? I don't know. So, during guzheng practise, i was thinking of HIM, that look on his face that i saw this morning. Ergh, i can't possibly take him off my mind! I can't seem to focus on anything today. Not quite. Well, i'm still trying. Trying to give him up totally. Probably now i still can't entirely give up on him, but there's a higher possibility to do so next year. I'll try. I still have many things to do and life still must go on... without him. Right... other than him, still got 1st kor. There seems to be a barrier between us NOW. We're not like before already, the siblings that used to joke around. Now i feel like a stranger to him and maybe... vice versa too. Anyway, everything seems to be changing, or maybe... all had changed. Everything's so new, so complicated, so... tiring. I miss all the good times. When i hadn't told HIM anything, we were so joke! He used to tease me and i used to go along with his joke. He used to be very happy (right, maybe he still IS) and he used to use lots of happy symbols in his messages. We had spent a great time being FRIENDS. However, everything changed after i revealed something. Really, i regretted telling him. Because of what i had said, things become worse. Haiz... my bad, my bad. I think i'd better go now. Good luck to all seniors who had their next year class confirmed! (:

What is the secret to life?